Should
by LovelessOtaku
Summary: You have placed your heart within my grasp, I’m desperate to reach out and take it, but I can’t let myself.' RemusxSirius Remus' POV


A/N I've been wanting to do a RemusxSirius for a while, so here it is! Please review, as I want to see if I should try and continue a bit, or if a oneshot is all it needs... ?  
Disclaimer: Not mine unfortunately, as much as I love them both :(

* * *

I awake from the transformation at last to feel your warm arms around me, protecting me from the cold. As I turn my head slightly to breathe in your scent, I wonder what on Earth went wrong. Has it really come so far that you only allow yourself to hold me when you think I'm sleeping?  
I move ever-so-slightly again, and your arms loosen and you kiss the top of my head gently. After I hear you leave the shrieking shack, I allow myself to let out a heavy sigh. Without your warmth, the pain of transformation is coming back, and as I reach for a cloak in the dawn light of the shrieking shack, I wince.

Sometimes I miss the old us.

All those months ago, when you first told me you loved me, I must admit I nearly gave a bitter laugh. You had just broken up with your third girlfriend that month, what was I supposed to think? You said it with your typical Sirius confidence, with a grin and frank words, and at that moment I hated you. I thought you were mocking me. 'How did you find out how I feel about you?' was my first thought. So I just shook my head and walked away.

Weeks following that day however were enjoyable, if confusing ones. Friendly touches between us increased. I'd be working in the common room and you'd come up behind me and run a hand through my hair, or we'd be squashed onto a sofa and you'd rest a hand on my knee. Of course I wasn't complaining. The girlfriends had stopped too, which secretly I was very happy to see. I could tell you were trying to show me how sincere you were.

The next time you tried to tell me, I had nearly forgotten your first confession.  
Or at least I'd managed to convince myself I had.

I was leaving the dorm room and I heard a remarkably small voice say,  
"Remus?" The lack of my usual nickname made me respond warily.  
"Sirius?" There was a silent pause; James and Peter had already gone down to breakfast.  
"You remember what I told you a while ago?" My heart sped up dramatically. Forgotten? Maybe not. I tried to tell myself that wasn't necessarily what you meant, so I placed a confused expression on my face and shook my head. You drew in a deep breath and looked at the floor awkwardly. I instantly regretted feigning ignorance. It was obvious what you were referring to. I walked forward until we were standing within a metre of each other and forced you to look at me. Your eyes were pleading as you looked up at me, and at that moment I almost gave in and kissed your lips hard for the very first time.

But I didn't.

You did.

You grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me forward as your other hand came to my lower jaw and our lips met and I thought I might explode. Your tongue dived into my mouth almost straight away, and I thought about pushing you away but I really didn't have it in me, and as soon as our tongues began to dance I knew it was hopeless and took a handful of that beautiful shoulder length black hair I had always admired. I pulled your head back to quickly take control of the kiss, and after a short battle, you gave in and made a small noise as I bit your lip.

That was what brought me back to my senses I think.

I pulled back sharply and reluctantly let go of your hair. For a moment we just looked at each other, swollen lipped and out of breath, before I let out a small gasp and put my hand over my mouth, then quickly moved it to speak.  
"I'm so sorry Siri." I could tell from the little upturn of your lips that not only did you not mind my aggressiveness in the slightest, you also loved the fact I had just called you 'Siri'.  
I cursed the slip up.  
"It's fine Remus!" You sounded as if it was more than fine, you were overjoyed. I remember thinking how stupid you were being.  
I opened my mouth and all my bitterness out.  
"No Sirius, it is _not_ fine!" I saw you flinch at my uncharacteristically raised voice. "I've already asked too much of the Marauders and Dumbledore and _everyone_ in accepting my Lycanthropy, this would be far too much!" I was still shouting, but you cut in and unknowingly made it worse.  
"But Remus, _I _don't care…"  
"_Well you should!_ You forget what I _am_ Sirius. I'm a dark creature; you should care."

There was a silence then. We looked at each other, me with trembling hands, you seeming defeated.  
"Leave."  
You hesitated, but complied.  
The door clicked closed and I tried to relax. I thought about your lips on mine and almost let out a whimper.

I knew then that it would be our first and last kiss.

The harsh light of the sun through the grimy windows of the shrieking shack brings me back to the present. I bring my hand weakly to my face to wipe away the tears that are not there. I haven't cried since my first transformation, and I don't intend to start now. However, I can't help but feel hopeless. You have placed your heart within my grasp, I'm desperate to reach out and take it, but I can't let myself. It's an everyday struggle now, but I have to hope that gradually you'll move on.

I stagger to my feet and slowly get dressed.  
I need to head back up to the castle.


End file.
